Boning Wars
by elanev91
Summary: James once accidentally walked in on Remus and Sirius in a very intimate moment. Sirius is determined to pay them back. All hell breaks loose. So called because @professor-riddikulus couldn't think of anything punnier and I happen to find this title childishly amusing.


**I want you all to know that I was giggling the entire time I was writing this beautifully titled (professor-riddikulus will one day stop being my friend over this nonsense) piece. Inspired by a text conversation with, you guessed it, professor-riddikulus.**

 **Disclaimer: Jo would literally never write a story this weird.**

* * *

It started in September of seventh year.

James walked into the Gryffindor common room, practically floating on air because _I get to share a dorm with Lily oh my fucking god,_ and he just has to, immediately, tell Sirius about how amazing it is to be living in the same dorm she is. He knew Sirius wouldn't care, knew that listening to James talk about the smell of Lily's perfume or the way the sun shines off her red hair in the morning or how much he just loves her laugh is exhausting, that Sirius could not give anything even resembling a fuck, but James didn't care. He gets to live, _live,_ with Lily bloody Evans and he needed to talk to someone about it.

Peter was sitting on the couch when James walked by, and he tried to stop him, really, he did. Peter shouted, "Prongs, you don't want to go up there!" as soon as he saw James' messy black hair over the crowd in the common room, but James, being James, just grinned, "It's fine, Wormtail, I just have to tell Pads something."

"Seriously, James, don't -"

But James was already taking the stairs two at a time and it's too late. Peter could have gotten up off the couch to stop him, but he didn't.

James pushed open the door to the seventh year dorm and was immediately greeted with a visual he will never, ever be able to get out of his head. Remus is sitting on the bed nearest the door, Sirius is on top of him, his back to James and his arse on full display. They're both completely nude and James couldn't even process the fact that _he is seeing them fucking right now_ before he screamed, "HOLY FUCK!"

Sirius and Remus both shriek, but there's very little they can do at this angle because Sirius' legs are wrapped around Remus' waist and they can't untangle quickly enough or hide the fact that Remus' dick is very visibly inside Sirius. James spins around, still shouting, "MOONY OH MY GOD I SAW YOUR DICK. AND YOUR ARSE PADFOOT. OH MY GOD. I'M SORRY. I'M SO FUCKING SORRY."

"WELL, FUCKING MERLIN, PRONGS, YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOCKED!" Sirius is livid and James can hear them rustling around before he remembers that he should, obviously, wait to talk to Sirius about Lily later. That maybe they don't want to have this conversation while Sirius is riding Remus in the middle of the dorm.

He gestures vaguely over his shoulder, 'I'll just…"

"Yeah," Remus says, his voice tight with embarrassment, "get the fuck out of here, Prongs."

James pulls the door shut behind him and is grateful when he hears the lock click. _NOW they cast a locking charm, bloody fucking hell._

That could have been it - James could have apologised profusely and they could have moved on, agreed to never, ever again engage in sexual activity of any kind without locking the door first. But Sirius wasn't ready to let James off that easily and he declared, at the top of his voice in the middle of the Great Hall while _standing on the fucking Gryffindor table_ , that he was going to see James' dick before the month was out.

James tried to laugh it off, but he flushed scarlet when Sirius shouted, "I know you spend 99% of your time wanking, Prongs, don't think I won't catch you!" Because he could never leave well enough alone, Sirius aggressively mimed masturbating and groaned "Lily!" in his best imitation of James' voice.

It was scarily accurate. James hit him in the face with spoonful of porridge.

Foolishly, James didn't realise just how dedicated Sirius would be to this new hobby. They'd lived together for six years, had seen each other in various states of undress, had to have awkward 'please put a silencing charm on your four poster when you're wanking in the dorm at night' talks, and James quite honestly thought that Sirius would give it up after a week or so.

Much to James' chagrin, Sirius had never been more determined in his entire life.

Sirius conned Lily (or, as James later found out, asked nicely and Lily happily obliged) into giving him the password to the Head's Dorms and he would sneak in _at all bloody hours_ trying to catch James wanking. Over the course of September, James found Sirius in his wardrobe, underneath his bed, and in the bathroom off his bedroom on multiple occasions. Sirius had once snuck into the bathroom from Lily's room when he thought James was in the shower - James had turned the water on and walked back into his room to grab a towel and when he walked back in, completely nude, he nearly fell over in shock. Sirius was standing by the sink doubled over and barely breathing, "Well, at least I got to see your dick!" and James could hear Lily screaming with laughter from her room.

James shoved Sirius out of the bathroom and locked the door behind him, " _You_ can shove off. And Evans, you're more than welcome to join me if you're so interested in my dick."

He could practically hear Lily rolling her eyes when she responded, "You wish, Potter!" But the way Sirius had started laughing when he'd said it made James chuckle to himself.

He'd thought that would be it - that Sirius seeing him naked in the bloody bathroom would have been enough. When James and Lily started dating in October, though, Sirius went one step further. It was no longer enough just to catch James, he had to catch James and Lily fucking. It had to be _even_.

It quickly, very quickly, got out of hand.

Sirius hid behind tapestries on their patrol route, convinced Remus (it didn't take much) to give him the password to the head's dorms because Lily was no longer cooperating, watched the Marauder's Map like it was his fucking _job_ just waiting until he saw them alone together in any room anywhere in Hogwarts.

He'd popped out of every imaginable place, nearly given James and Lily a stroke more than a few times, but he didn't catch them at it until the first week of November.

They were a little caught up - they forgot that Sirius was after them, forgot to put an extra charm on the portrait into the Head's Dorms, decided that it would be fine, _so fine,_ to forego walking up _all those stairs_ to one of their rooms and just have sex on their poor common room couch.

They should have known better.

Their clothes were long abandoned, cast about in various corners of the room, and Lily is on top of him when Sirius comes barrelling through the portrait hole, dragging Remus by the collar of his school jumper. Remus is screaming, "I'm so sorry, Merlin, I'm so sorry!" but they can barely hear him because Sirius is laughing so loudly, "I didn't know you were an on-top kind of girl Evans!" and James is screaming, "FUCKING HELL, WE FORGOT TO LOCK THE DOOR!"

Shocking them all, even James who can't quite believe what he's hearing, Lily moved her hands from James' shoulders and covered her breasts before grinning at Sirius - "Of course I'm an on-top kind of girl, Pads. Now get out."

Sirius roared with laughter again but Remus had, thankfully, grabbed him by the waistband of his jeans and began dragging him back to the portrait hole. "By the way," Lily shouted, leaning past James and over the back of the couch until she caught Sirius' eye, "It's on."

It was on. It was _so on._

Lily was, if anything, more intense than Sirius was, and James never once would have predicted it of her. He knew, over their many, _many_ years of fighting, that she loved to have the last word, that she wasn't above hexing him to prove a point. But he never knew just how important winning was to her.

"Lily," James said, laughing at her one night over the prefect schedules they were working on, "this is the _dumbest_ game ever. It's just us seeing my best mates' dicks a million times."

Her eye had that steely glint in it, the one he remembered so well from all their fights in the corridor, all the times she'd sent him to the hospital wing prior to sixth year - "I don't care, James. We're winning this. We will catch them fucking if it is the last thing we do."

James and Remus had tried to stay out of it at first. Tried to talk Lily and Sirius out of this bizarre competition before it was too late. But Lily and Sirius were in no mood to be convinced and they were ruthless.

When Lily spotted Peter wandering aimlessly around the corridor a week later, she dragged James as quickly as she could to Gryffindor Tower. "Lily," James groaned, as Lily pulled him by the hand while she practically sprinted down the corridor, "You have no proof that they're even doing anything."

Lily snorted but didn't slow down to look at him, "They wouldn't kick Peter out just for fun, James."

"That's where you're wrong," James said, "Sirius _would_ kick Peter out just for fun." Lily didn't bother responding.

Remus and Sirius were, of course, in the midst of a heated snog when Lily had seen Peter ambling around the sixth floor.

Sirius heard them coming up the stairs of the boys dorms and gasped against Remus' lips. He pulled away, his eyes bright with amusement, "OH MY GOD GIVE ME HEAD!" Sirius started fiddling with the button of his trousers, shoved Remus' shoulder until his face was at Sirius' waist.

"Sirius, what the fuck are you - "

Sirius lifted his hips, yanked his jeans and pants down as best he could, "IT'S THEM JUST DO IT! DON'T STOP WHATEVER YOU DO."

Remus rolled his eyes, but said, "At least it's your dick this time," and took Sirius in his mouth as the door burst open behind him. He tried not to jump too much - this game was fucking stupid, but he didn't need to accidentally bite Sirius' dick off to prove it.

"Oh hey, Prongsie, Red," Sirius' voice was airy and devastatingly cool, "Fancy seeing you here."

James looked like he wanted to die, melt right through the floor, but Lily just smirked, "Well played, Sirius."

Sirius grinned before he dropped his head back onto the pillow and moaned dramatically, "YES, REMUS, DO THAT THING WITH YOUR TONGUE AGAIN."

From that point on, Lily thought the performance aspect of the game was very 'promising.'

"There are just so many possibilities, James!" she said, cutting a piece of pie and setting it on her plate one night at dinner. "We can try all kinds of different positions in front of that mirror in your room and see what looks best. We want them to see _the most,_ you know?"

James groaned through a bite of potato, "Do we, Lily? Do we _want_ them to see the most?"

Lily turned in her seat to face him, shot him a look, "When did you get to be such a baby, Potter?"

James looked affronted, "I'm not a baby, Evans!"

She raised a challenging eyebrow, "Then prove it."

He studied her for a minute before he pushed his plate away, got to his feet. Lily barely concealed the grin threatening to fill her face, _He's so fucking easy, I swear,_ turned on her heel, grabbed James' hand, and they practically ran out of the Great Hall.

She'd seen Sirius watching them out of the corner of her eye as they passed him in the Entrance Hall. It took all her self control not to shoot a wink at him over her shoulder as James dragged her up the marble staircase.

When Sirius and Remus barged into the Head's dorms fifteen minutes later, Lily is bent over James' desk. Lily can't even bring herself to smirk or say anything saucy to Sirius because James' fingers are driving her mad and she can barely even _breathe_ let alone say something cheeky. She hears Sirius say "Damn, Prongs," and James huffs, annoyed, throws something off the desk in the general direction of the door, and she's pretty sure she hears the door shut as Remus and Sirius stumble back down the stairs. But she's only pretty sure because his fingers are moving against her all the time and she can't focus for more than two bloody seconds - if they're still in the dorm, though, she's positive they can hear her moaning from the Heads' Common Room.

By the time the winter holiday rolled around, James and Remus were slightly-more-willing participants. The winter holiday allowed for more… flexibility… in terms of locations, and Lily and Sirius were convincing James and Remus to shag them in increasingly public places to see what they could get away with. Try as they might to convince themselves that this game was stupid, that someone was going to end up getting hurt or expelled, James and Remus quickly realised the appeal of more illicit encounters.

Sirius would take Remus by the hand, ask him to go on a walk, and lead him along James and Lily's patrol route. Sirius would stop randomly in deserted corridors or drag Remus into empty classrooms, broom cupboards, secret passageways and sink to his knees, and though he'd initially protested ( _Pads, this is the middle of the fifth floor what the fuck are you thinking?!_ ) Remus soon started walking around the school with a wrist full of hair baubles for just these occasions. If his boyfriend was going to be stupid enough to give him head in the middle of the corridor, he at least wanted to be able to see it.

They, somehow, hadn't been caught until the third time Sirius had tried this - Remus had his fist in his mouth to keep from moaning too loudly when Lily rounded the corner and started clapping dramatically before retreating. Sirius had caught Remus' eye and winked impishly before carrying on. Remus rolled his eyes, "I hate this game and I hate you and - " Sirius swirled his tongue and whatever else Remus was going to say died on his lips.

Taking a page out of Sirius' playbook, Lily decided that if she and James were going to be patrolling during the holiday, they might as well make the most of their alone time. Knowing full well that Sirius was watching the Marauders Map (he'd long since hidden it in the boy's dorm and refused to give it to anyone in the event that James might steal it back and thus give James and Lily the advantage in their war), Lily neglected to leave her knickers on when she and James went out to do their evening patrol the last night of the holiday.

When Sirius saw them go into a broom cupboard on the fourth floor, he dragged Remus out of the library ("Sirius, we have to turn this essay in to McGonagall _tomorrow,_ we don't have time for this fucking nonsense!"). When Sirius pulls open the door, James' head is between her thighs and Lily is barely biting back moans.

"Nice to see you, Pads," Lily said, "Now get the fuck out."

After establishing a strong track record of being caught mid-fuck, Lily decides to get devious. It's their turn, (they just caught Remus, hands on his fucking ankles, Sirius inside him in the Prefect's bathroom a few days before) and Lily wants to switch it up, play those gits for fools.

She settled herself on James' lap in the Gryffindor common room, her knees on either side of his hips. His hands jumped instantly to her waist and she grinned, leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Everyone in the common room has long since learned to divert their eyes.

"Okay," Lily said, quietly enough so that only James could hear as she weaved her fingers through his hair, "We're going to sit here, just like this," she pressed her hips into his and James groaned audibly (the fifth year on the other end of the couch they're on finally realised it was time to leave and wandered over to the other side of the common room), "and as soon as we know Sirius or Remus have seen us, we're going to go back to our dorm."

James slipped his hands under the hem of her school skirt, brushed the pads of his fingers along the outside of her thighs, "I'm not really in the mood to be watched today, Lils." He pressed his fingers into her skin and she leaned down, kissed him again.

"That's the glory of it, love," she said, her mouth a breath away from his, so close you couldn't tell they were talking unless you were really watching them, "They'll think we're shagging and when they come barrelling in, we can…" she trailed off, trying to think of something spectacular enough, and James' eyes lit up, "Can we hit them with things?!"

She grinned, nodded imperceptibly, kissed him again. His hands moved, one buried itself in her hair, the other pressed into the small of her back so that she was flush against him, and James almost forgets that they aren't supposed to be getting all worked up, not really, because they aren't going to be doing anything about it right away.

After a few minutes of heated snogging, a bit more heated than they'd intended (honestly), someone cleared their throat behind them and Lily pulls her mouth from James', her eyes flickering up to meet the gaze of the person who felt the need to interrupt them. Sirius was standing there, hands on his hips, grinning knowingly. Lily just rolled her eyes, slid off James' lap, and took his hand and led him out of the common room.

James pointed at Sirius on the way out and said, "Don't you dare follow us. You'll regret it!" for good measure.

They're waiting in her bedroom when they hear the portrait open downstairs, surrounded by all the paint bombs and ink pellets they could find stashed in James' room when they'd stumbled in there a few minutes before. Lily starts moaning, loudly, pornographically, and James cocks an amused eyebrow at her, dips his head and kisses her neck, "I have to say, that's a bit of a turn on, Evans."

Lily rolls her eyes but plants a quick kiss on his lips, "Focus, you prat."

Still, she maintains eye contact and moans again, only looking away from him when the door swings open, and Remus and Sirius are standing there, struggling to take in the scene in front of them.

Lily and James don't hesitate - they start lobbing paint bombs across the room and a good few hit their mark before Remus and Sirius are able to escape.

It doesn't end the war, but they're certainly a bit more careful so they don't fall for any more diversions.

The war finally ended in March, just a week before James' birthday (something that pisses Remus off for a full month before he finally moves on - "Why the fuck did _my_ birthday sex get interrupted?! I SAY WE BARGE IN ON JAMES' ON PRINCIPLE!").

It's unseasonably warm, and Lily, James, Remus, and Sirius are lying out in the grass by the lake, 'studying' for their upcoming Charms exam. James starts running his fingers along Lily's calf and she catches his eye and grins. "You know, James," she says, shutting her Charms book and turning to face him, "I was thinking we should," her eyes flick over to where Sirius is sitting to make sure he's paying attention, "you know, in the boy's dorm. Fulfil all your 6th year dreams."

She winks and James grins, slides closer to her, moves his hand to her hip, "Quite the proposal, Evans. What do you think boys?" James turns to look at Sirius who is gaping at them, his mouth hanging open in shock, "Sirius, can we borrow your bed?"

Sirius doesn't even answer - just gets up and starts sprinting towards the castle. James clambers up and tears off after him, and Lily and Remus laugh, gather their books, and walk slowly back towards the castle.

"Our boyfriends are idiots," Remus said, hitching his bag up onto his shoulder. "Yeah," Lily slung her arm through his, "but we love them."

Remus rolled his eyes, "Merlin knows why."

They can see James and Sirius shoving each other as they run through the oak front doors and Remus raised his eyebrow at her as though he's just proved a point. Lily just laughed, "Well, they're fit at least." Remus tipped his head in acknowledgement.

When they get back up to the common room, James and Sirius are screaming and flying back down the stairs of the boy's dorms.

"Game's off, Lils! No more!"

"Absolutely. Moons, we're done! We're both forfeiting."

Lily raised her eyebrow at Remus and he just shrugged and turned to Sirius, "What the fuck are you two on about?"

"We just - " Sirius groaned and fell back onto the couch, James sunk down beside him, planted his head in Sirius' lap. James took a deep breath and looked at Lily, "We just saw Peter wanking."

"OH GOD, PRONGS, DON'T SAY IT OUT LOUD THAT MAKES IT REAL." Sirius smacked James in the forehead and James groaned, punched Sirius in the gut.

Remus picked up James' feet and sat down (James immediately put his feet in Remus' lap - Remus rolled his eyes at Lily and she just grinned). "So," Remus said, "we're done with this fucking game then?"

Sirius groaned, "Yeah. I don't ever want to see that again."

Lily laughed, "Oh, so it was okay for you two to catch James and I fucking in a million different positions, but you see Peter wanking one time and you lose it?"

Sirius raised his eyebrow at her, "Yes, Red, yes! We're gorgeous and enjoying ourselves. That was just _sad."_

Lily smirked, sat on the arm of the couch near Sirius and smacked the side of his head, "Please. Like you weren't wanking like a son of a bitch before you and Remus started dating."

Sirius tried to look affronted, but James and Remus just laughed. "She's got a point, Pads," James said, turning his head so he can look Sirius in the eye, and Remus laughed harder, "Oh Merlin, Prongs, remember when we had to start putting imperturbable charms on _our_ beds because he kept forgetting to put a silencing charm up on his?"

James, Remus, and Lily start shaking with laughter and Sirius just scowls at them, pushes James' shoulders and sends him toppling onto the floor.

James shoves Sirius' knees as he pulls himself up to sitting and frowns at Lily, who is clutching her stomach from laughing so hard. "Think that's funny, Evans?" She can barely breathe, so she just nods, and James groans, grabs her about the waist and pulls her down to the floor next to him.

"Oi!" she smacks his chest, but he plants a kiss on her neck and, magically, all is forgiven.

Lily kicks her feet up onto Sirius' lap, "So, we're really done, eh?"

Sirius grimaces, nods, holds out his hand, "Truce, Red?"

Lily considers his hand for a moment before she takes Sirius' hand and shakes it, "Truce, Black."


End file.
